Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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