when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My liver just had a heart attack.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
