If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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