I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Enjoy the penises
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
