I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
