we made out on top of his cat.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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