the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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