i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize