Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
