I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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