I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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