I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
