my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
