Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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