First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
