$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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