i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
