he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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