I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
