Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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