I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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