I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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