This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
