worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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