And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We have so much sex to catch up on
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
