So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
