i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
