remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
