I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
