does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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