I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
