nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I will be naked everywhere
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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