In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
