can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
