Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
