Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
