sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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