Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Vodka?
Forever.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
