Don't make out with my wife yet
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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