After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
