apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
