I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
