Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
