More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize