I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
