i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Buhtt sex?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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