i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
