We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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