there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
