Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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