sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
