If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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