omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
