Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
