Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Randomize
