She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize