I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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