mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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