My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
