So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
