I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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