this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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